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Identity: Conkers.

History: Brought into the UK over four centuries back.

Look: The outdoor world's collectible doll.

No, I don’t think that’s right. It is. Check out a social media video of someone revealing a conker, and you’ll almost certainly hear them refer to it as “the earth's Labubu”.

Unboxing conkers? What on earth are you talking about? Goodness, you really are not up to date, aren’t you? Young people are taking to TikTok to film themselves removing conkers from their prickly shells.

But why? Due to the feeling of amazement! When you unbox a conker, you never know what you’re going to get. Will it be big? Will it be flat? What will its shine level be? It is like a mystery box every time!

Are Labubus big and flat and shiny? No, they’re somewhat eerie dolls that have become collectible because they are sold in mystery boxes.

Would someone inform the younger crowd that they’re doing conkers wrong? Are they? How do you do conkers, then?

Thread a lace through the center, and try to destroy everyone else’s conkers. Wow, really? That’s unusual.

Yeah. You’ll have a much better chance of winning if you soak the conker in vinegar overnight and then bake it like a pie. You're not joking?

Truly. And should you gather an excess, you can hurl them across the playground and all the other kids will fight each other for them. A lovely item from nature like a conker, and you use it as a tool for battle? A weapon that comes with a long set of arcane and bewildering rules?

It’s traditional! King Charles literally just presented the World Conker Championships with three hundred horse chestnuts! At least gen Z is only filming them.

How are you unaware of this? Probably, because certain schools prohibited the game two decades ago, due to concerns over well-being.

Today's society always surprises. Maybe unboxing conkers just isn’t your thing. In which case, perhaps you would be better suited to some other popular youth fads.

Is that so? Like what? Well, there’s this thing called yarn work, and something else called clay crafting that I can explain to you.

Those hobbies are ancient! Let me guess, you heat tools in apple drink and then use them to poke each other?

No! OK, relax. I thought all old-people traditions involved violence in some form, after that conker thing.

I feel stressed. Take a breath. If you need me, I’ll be opening plant seeds online.

Appropriate comment: “Social media loves showcasing nut discoveries.”

Don’t say: “This is nuts.”